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AUTHOR: 


PLAUTUS,  TITUS 


TITLE: 


MOSTELLARIA  OF 
PLAUTUS 

PLACE: 

BOSTON 

DA  TE : 

1917 


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PRESERVATION  DEPARTMENT 


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P 1  an  tu s ,     r  i  Lii z   hacc  i  u s  . 

Ihe   Mosteilaria   of    Piaulustrhe   Haunted   House  )  t^hLmicr  of  orni] .  rClransiate 
d    frofii   t.iie   Latin    By   Henry    I.    ochnittkind. 
/■60  bor.toru  torne    •il.ratford   Co.,    !Hjb  J  ishers,  rCl917  . 

7,()ii  p.    67>-lO^^. , 

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QO  07-12-92 


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FILMED  BY:    RESEARCH  PIJI3LICATI0NS.  INC  WOODBRIDGE.  CT 


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BY  APPLIED  IMRGE-  INC. 


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VOL.  I 


DECEMBER,  1917 


No.  G 


TH  E  STRATFORD 

J  0 URN AL 

A  Forum  of  Contemporary 
International   Thought; 


/ 


PUBLISHED  BI-MONTHLY 

THE    STRATFORD    CO.,    Publishers 

32   OLIVER  STREET,   BOSTON 
75^  cents  a  copy  ...         $3.00  a  year 

1M.«        II     ■■■    ^.l.    M      I      ■!■     II    ■  II     I..  ..I.  Ill  I  1^—   ■  ■        I  I  I.        .       .-I..  II  ■■■.■■  M^.  1,^ 

Entered  as  :  iccond-dass  matter  January  6,  1917  at  the  post  ofi&cc  at  Boston,  Mass.» 

under  the  Act  of  March  3.  1870. 


ANNOUNCEMENT 

The  Stratford  Journal 

•   for  1918 

(  Isaac  Goldberg 

EDITORS :  I    jj^^^Y    T.    SCHNITTKIND 

A  Year's  Successful  Existence  for  the  Stratford  Journal 
has  disproven  the  wails  of  a  few  friends  and  many  literary 
pessimists  who  have  maintained  that  this  country  cannot  and 
will  not  support  a  magazine  whose  aims  are  purely  literary 
and  artistic.  During  the  first  year,  we  have  accomplished  in  the  Strat- 
ford Journal  several  things  which  encourage  us  to  hope  for  still  greater 
things  in  the  future.  Among  other  achievements,  the  Stratford 
Journal  has  contained  translations  of  several  short  story  masterpieces 
every  one  of  which  has  been  especially  starred  by  such  critics  as  Ed- 
ward J.  O'Brien.  In  our  other  departments,  as  well  as  in  our  short 
story  department,  we  have  endeavored  to  maintain  100%  of  distinction. 

Now,  therefore,  that  the  Stratford  Journal  is  an  actual  achieve 
ment,  we  have  decided  to  widen  its  sphere  by  making  it  a  monthly  pub- 
lication instead  of  a  bi-monthly.    Beginning  with  the  January  number 
the  Stratford  Journal  will  be  issued  every  month,  the  subscription 
price  still  remaining  the  same  at  $3.00  per  year. 

During  the  coming  year  our  policy  will  remain  in  many  essentials 
the  same  as  heretofore,  except  that  we  will  gradually  introduce  mor ' 
and  more  original  work,  still  continuing  to  devote  many  pages  in  each 
issue  to  translations  from  the  best  work  of  foreign  contemporary  authors 
There  will  be  in  our  editorial  personnel  some  changes  that  will  mak  • 
for  better  standards.  An  important  addition  to  our  editorial  staff  dur- 
ing the  coming  year  is  Isaac  Goldberg,  Ph.  D.,  who  has  achieved  a 
reputation  for  original  and  penetrating  critical  articles  published  in  the 
Boston  Transcript  and  elsewhere,  and  for  his  unusually  masterful  trans 
lations  from  many  foreign  languages. 

We  will  publish  from  time  to  time  the  news  of  the  most  significant 
literary  activities  in  the  colleges  of  this  country,  as  well  as  in  other 
educational  and  artistic  circles. 

We  wish  to  thank  most  heartily  those  who  have  cooperated  with  u.s, 
thus  enabling  us  to  launch  and  to  perpetuate,  as  we  hope,  a  journal 
whose  aim  it  is  to  raise  the  literary  standard  of  American  journalism. 


The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 

(The  Haunted  House) 

TRANSLATED    FROM    THE   LATIN    BY    HENRY    T.    SCHNITTKIND 


CAST 

Tranio 
Grumio 
Philolaches 
Philematium 

SCAPHA 

Callidamates 

Delphium 

Theopropides 

MiSARGYRIDES    (  SiLVERSPURN  ) 
SiMO 

Phaniscus 

PiNACIUM 


A  Slave 

A  Slave 

A  Young  Man 

A  Courtesan 

A  Maid 

A  Young  Man 

A  Courtesan 

An  Old  Man 

A  Banker 

An  Old  Man 

A  Slave 

A  Slave 


The  scene  is  laid  at  Athens. 


ACT    I. 

Grumio,  Come  out  of  here,  you  knave,  march  out,  I  say, 

And  quit  your  quibbling  chaff  amidst  the  platters; 

You'll  surely  be  the  ruin  of  us  all; 

Yet  I  '11  get  even  with  you  upon  the  farm. 

Come  out,  you  greasy,  skulking  scullion. 
Tranio.  Now,  what  the  deuce  do  you  mean  by  bawling  so? 

You  think  that  you  are  in  the  country,  do  you  ? 

Go  home,  go  to  the  country,  go  be  hanged ! 

There,  that's  what  you  were  looking  for,  I  guess. 

[Beats  him, 

Gr.  Oh,  why  do  you  beat  me  ? 

j^^  Because  you  are  alive. 

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Gr.  All  right,  just  wait  till  the  old  master  comes. 
And  sees  how  you  've  consumed  him  in  his  absence. 

Tr.  You  scrub,  you  know  this  is  a  downright  lie ; 
I  can't  consume  a  man  when  he's  away. 

Gr.  Indeed,  you  dandy  darling  of  the  mob. 
Do  you  reproach  me  for  my  rusticity  ? 
I  guess  you  like  to  speak  of  rural  life 
Because  you  know  that  soon  you'll  be  condemned, 
And  chained  to  work  as  convict  in  the  mill. 
Then  you'll  be  hound  to  join  the  country  folk. 
Meanwhile,  go  on,  drink  to  your  heart's  content, 
Waste  master's  wealth,  carouse,  corrupt  his  son, 
And  reek  in  revelry  both  day  and  night, 
Feast  full,  and  parasitic  bellies  gorge. 
When  master  went  abroad,  he  ordered  you 
To  oversee  his  house  and  lands ;  yet  you, 
Instead  of  overseeing,  overlook 
The  waste  of  wealth,  and  ruin  of  his  son. 
That  gentle  lad,  so  frugal  formerly. 
Who  was  the  peer  of  all  in  temperance, 
Is  now  the  peer,  as  it  appears,  in  vice,  -^ 

Thanks  to  your  evil  precept  and  example. 

Tr.  Nor  I,  nor  my  misdeeds  are  your  concern ; 
Go  tend  the  herd,  for  that  is  your  affair ; 
I  love  to  love  and  feast,  to  drink  and  wench, 
And  this  I  do  at  my  own  risk,  not  yours. 

Gr,  How  boldly  insolent  your  talk  is ;  pfui ! 

Tr.  Confound  you,  pfui !    Your  breath  is  steeped  in  garlic, 

You  hybrid  essence  of  a  goat  and  pig-sty. 
Gr,  What  would  you  have  ?    It  is  not  every  man 
That  may  an;ioint  himself  with  foreign  perfumes, 
Or  at  the  feast,  reclining  with  the  guests. 
Enjoy  such  sweet  and  dainty  fare  as  you. 
But  I'm  content  to  live  on  garlic  salad. 
You  are  most  happy ;  I,  unfortunate ; 
So  be  it.    Soon  our  lots  will  be  reversed. 
And  you,  who  happen  to  be  happy  now, 

64 


Will  most  unhappy  be,  and  I  mayhap 

A  lot  more  prosperous  than  yours  will  have. 
Tr,  You  envy  me  because  you  fare  so  ill. 

While  I  fare  well;  but  it  is  fated  thus. 

We  both  are  suited  to  our  trade  and  fortune  i  _ 

You,  knave,  to  tend  the  herd  in  poverty, 

And  I  to  live  and  love  in  luxury. 
Gr.  But  wait,  I  tell  you,  till  the  master  comes. 

Oh,  then  they'll  nail  you  firmly  to  the  gibbet 

And  perforate  your  hide  so  thoroughly 

That  you  will  seem  to  be  a  human  sieve. 
Tr,  For  aught  you  know,  it  may  be  you,  not  I, 

Who  will  receive  this  royal  punishment. 
Gr,  I'm  not  afraid,  for  I  am  free  from  fault. 

But  you  have  earned  this  flogging  right  along. 
Tr,  Come,  spare  yourself  this  waste  of  words,  or  else 

I'll  bless  you  with  a  good  and  noble  thrashing. 
Gr.  Give  me  the  pease  to  feed  my  master 's  cattle. 

Go  on,  and  waste  this  wealth  to  satisfy 

Your  base  desires ;  carouse,  and  play  the  Greek, 

And  slaughter  all  the  fatlings  for  the  feasts. 
Tr,  Enough  of  this.    I'll  to  the  market  now 

And  purchase  fish  for  supper ;  and  your  pease 

I'll  send  with  some  one  to  the  farm  to-morrow. 

What  now  ?    Why  do  you  scowl  at  me,  you  jail-bird  t 
Gr.  'Tis  you,  not  I,  who'll  be  a  jail-bird  soon. 
Tr.  As  long  as  all  is  as  it  is  at  present. 

Why,  then,  this  future  ''soon"  will  soon  be  past.         .♦. 
Gr,  But  know  this  much,  that  whatsoe  'er  we  loath 

More  swiftly  comes  than  that  for  which  we  yearn. 
Tr,  Away  with  you,  and  pester  me  no  more.  [Exit  Tranio, 

Gr.  He's  gone  now,  and  he  doesn't  care  a  fig 

For  what  I  've  said.    Ye  gods,  I  beg  of  you. 

Bring  master  back  at  once ;  for  all  his  lands     i  ^ 

Will  be  in  ruins  if  he  comes  not  soon. 

Well,  I'll  be  off;  for  there's  my  master's  boy. 

So  admirable  once,  but  now,  so  low.  [Exit  Grumio. 

Enter  Philolaches, 

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Philol,  IVe  thought  and  thought, 

And  reasons  sought, 
And  many  arguments  IVe  brought. 
And  I  have  fussed, 
And  oft  discussed, 
Until  at  length  I've  found,  I  trust, 
A  likeness  true 
For  me  and  you; 
A  man  is  like  a  building  new. 
Now  list  to  me. 
And  you'll  agree 
This  is  a  splendid  simile. 
When  a  house  is  all  finished  and  fixed  spick  and  span. 
We  praise  the  good  builder,  and  follow  his  plan, 

And  we  spare  neither  toil  nor  expense ; 
But  when  some  lazy  fellow  moves  into  this  place. 
He  at  once  sets  to  work  the  fine  house  to  deface. 

And  to  rot  it  will  surely  commence. 
And  a  storm  swirls  and  blows  and  it  shatters  the  tiles, 
And  the  torrent  of  rain  this  firm  building  defiles. 

Yet  never  a  care  has  the  owner. 
Soon  the  house,  though  constructed  so  well,  is  all 

wrecked, 
And  again  a  new  building  he  now  must  erect, 
That  lazy  and  shiftless  postponer. 

This,  then,  is  the  end  of  the  simile,  friends ; 

Now  see  how  this  likeness  to  men  oft  extends; — 

When  children  are  tender  and  small. 
The  parents,  their  builders,  prepare  them  quite  well ; 
No  expense  do  they  spare,  that  their  sons  may  excel, 

And  serve  as  a  model  for  all. 
Soon  the  well-bred  young  man  in  the   army  enlists; 
Some  relation  or  friend  goes  along,  who  assists. 

And  takes  care  of  the  young  protege. 
But  after  he 's  been  in  the  service  one  year. 
We  can  quess  fairly  well  what  will  be  his  career, 
(For  most  always  the  youth  goes  astray.) 


I,  too,  must  say, 
Alack-a-day, 
I  Ve  from  the  right  path  gone  astray ; 
When  father  had 
Once  left  his  lad, 
A  storm  of  passion  drove  me  mad. 
And  soon  111  be 
Wrecked  thoroughly. 
Sans  name,  sans  fame,  sans  honesty. 
I  deeply  grieve 
When  I  perceive 
What  honor  once  I  did  achieve ; 
I  once  could  bear 
All  wear  and  tear, 
But  now  I  'm  ruined,  past  repair. 
Enter  Philematium  and  Scapha.    They  do  not  see  Philolaches 
Philem.  I've  never  yet  been  laved  in  such  delight; 

No  water  is  more  cool  or  crystal  bright. 
Sc.  There's  not  a  thing  but  proper  harvest  yields; 

And  as  we  sow,  thus  reap  we  in  the  fields. 
Philem.  What  has  my  bath,  or  I,  with  this  to  do? 
Sc,  No  more  than  this  has  with  your  bath  or  you. 
Philol.   [aside]   0,  lovely  love,  this  is  my  whirling  wind 
That  stripped  me  of  my  will  and  maimed  my  mind. 
A  flood  of  passions  poured  into  my  breast, 
And  now  I  have  no  shelter  and  no  rest; 
Within  my  heart  a-rotting  are  the  walls. 
And  all  my  shattered  frame  in  ruin  falls. 
Philem.  Does  this  become  me?  for  I  wish  to  please 

My  patron  and  my  love,  Philolaches. 
8c,   'Tis  not  the  dress  that  lovers  love  the  best,  j 

But  comely  maids  in  comely  manners  dressed.         / 
Philol   [aside]   Upon  my  word,  the  jade  is  very  witty ; 

Her  lovers'  saws  and  maxims  are  quite  pretty. 
Philem,  I  say,  my  Scapha. 
Sc,  Well  ? 

Philem.  Prithee,  look  here, 

And  tell  me  if  this  dress  becomes  me,  dear. 


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<  ( 


i  i 


Sc.  Yourself,  my  charming  mistress,  are  so  fair, 

That  you  look  well  in  any  dress  you  wear. 
Philol   [aside]  This  praise  shall  never  unrewarded  be ; 
For,  praise  my  love,  and  you  must  needs  praise  me. 
Philem.  This  is  mere  flattery. 
^c.  It  is,  in  sooth, 

If  flattery  be  to  speak  the  very  truth. 
Would  you  be  called  unlovely,  falsely  blamed, 
Rather  than  fair,  yet  truthfully  so  named  ? 
As  for  myself,  I  'd  rather  hear  a  lie 
Which  names  me  fair,  than  on  the  truth  rely. 
Philem.  Nay,  speak  the  truth,  for  falsehood  I  despise. 
8c.  May  so  Philolaches  his  mistress  prize 

As  you  are  passing  fair. 
Philol.   [aside]  What's  that  you  say? 

May  I  prize  her?''    Why  don't  you  add  to't,  pray. 
May  she  prize  me  ? "    The  promise  I  will  break 
That  for  your  wit  I  recently  did  make. 
Sc.  In  sooth,  I  marvel  much  how  you  can  be 

So  worldly-wise,  yet  err  so  foolishly. 
Philem.  Advise  me,  pray,  wherein  I  err. 
Sc.  ^^^  yearn 

For  one  man's  love,  all  other  men  you  spurn. 
A  wife  should  suit  her  humor  to  one  man ; 
To  serve  all  it  behooves  a  courtesan. 
Philol.  [aside]  What  plague  is  this  that  in  my  house  resides, 
Who  mocks  my  mistress  and  her  love  misguides  ? 
May  all  the  gods  bring  curses  on  my  head 
If  I  don 't  freeze  this  hag  and  starve  her  dead. 
Philem.  Enough,  no  more :  from  such  advice  I  shrink. 
Sc.  'Tis  folly,  dearest  mistress  mine,  to  think 
His  heart  with  love  for  you  will  always  glow. 
Gray  hairs  bring  cares,  but  love  away  will  go.      // 

Philem.  I  hope  'twill  not  be  thus. 

^^  Such  is  our  fate 

We  get  not  what  we  love,  but  what  we  hate. 
In  short,  if  words  persuade  you  not,  then  see 
What  I  have  been,  and  what  I  now  must  be. 

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I  once  was  fair  and  blithe  and  gay  as  you. 

And  he  who  loved  me  vowed  he  would  be  true ; 

But  when  my  aging  locks  were  tinged  with  gray, 

My  love  of  old  grew  cold  and  went  away. 
Philol.   [aside]   I  scarce  withold  my  fingers  from  her  eyes, 

Who  tempts  the  love  that  I  so  highly  prize. 
Philem.  Myself  alone  to  him  alone  I'll  loan. 

For  he  alone  freed  me,  and  I'm  his  own. 
Philol.   [aside]  Ye  gods,  how  chaste  she  is,  how  debonair! 

'Tis  joy  for  her  sake  poverty  to  bear. 
Sc.  Attempt  not  foolishly  his  love  to  gain ; 

It  is  enough  your  freedom  to  obtain; 

And  if  he  love  you  not,  he  will  have  lost 

Whatever  sum  your  liberty  has  cost. 
Philol.   [aside]  For  trying  to  seduce  my  love  from  me 

I'll  rack  and  torture  you  most  horribly. 
Philem.  Nay,  urge  me  not  my  master  to  betray ; 

His  kindly  deeds  I  never  can  repay. 
Sc.  This  much  remember ;  her  who  loves  but  one 

In  youth,  no  lovers  love  when  youth  is  gone. 
Philol.   [aside]  Could  I  but  be  transformed  into  a  plague, 

I  'd  seize  her  throat  and  strangle  this  old  hag. 
Philem.  Ere  I  was  free,  my  love  I  did  caress ; 

Tho'  mistress  now,  I  love  him  none  the  less. 
Philol.   [aside]   For  this  fine  speech  I'll  free  you  o'er  again, 

And  kill  this  jade  to  check  her  tongue  profane. 
Sc.  If  you  feel  sure  that  you  can  live  in  peace. 

And  that  his  love  for  you  will  never  cease, 

Then  suit  your  whims  to  his  throughout  your  life, 

Not  as  his  mistress,  but  his  wedded  wife. 
Philem.  We  credit  each  according  to  his  fame ; 

My  wealth  lies  in  my  fair,  unsullied  name. 
Philol.   [aside]  I'd  sell  my  father  into  slavish  woe 

Ere  ever  I'd  let  you  a-begging  go. 
Sc.  And  all  your  other  lovers — 
Philem.  Will  love  me  more 

On  seeing  how  my  patron  I  adore. 


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Philol.   [aside]  If  some  one  brought  me  now  the  welcome  news 

Of  father's  death,  to  make  you  heir  I'd  choose. 
8c.  This  property  will  be  consumed  ere  long, 

For  day  and  night  your  glutting  you  prolong. 
Philol.   [aside]  I'll  waste  no  more  on  you,  I'll  be  discreet 

And  full  ten  days  you'll  neither  drink  nor  eat. 
Philem.  If  you  can  say  aught  good  of  him,  speak  on, 

Or  else  I'll  thrash  you  thoroughly  anon. 
PhUol   [aside]  No  money  sacrificed  to  Jove  supreme 

Is  so  well  spent  as  that  which  did  redeem 

Her  who  defends  me  with  her  might  and  main. 

I  freed  a  slave,  and  did  a  patron  gain. 
Sc,  Since  you  adore  him  far  above  the  rest, 

I  now  agree  —  for  floggings  I  detest  — 

If  you  are  certain,  I  am  certain,  too. 

That  he  will  be  a  constant  friend  to  you. 
Philem,  Give  me  the  mirror  and  the  jewel-box, 

For  I  would  neat  appear,  and  all  adorned 

When  my  delight  Philolaches  arrives. 
8c,  She  who  her  looks  mistrusts  requires  a  glass, 

But  you  yourself  a  shining  mirror  are 

That  aye  reflects  all  grace  and  loveliness. 
PhiLol.  [aside]  This  pretty  speech  has  not  been  made  in  vain, 

And  I'll  reward  for't  —  Philematium. 
Philem,  Is  each  lock  smoothed  and  settled  in  its  place  f 
8c.  When  you  are  fair,  your  locks  must  needs  be  fair. 
Philol   [aside]  How  inconsistently  the  hussy  talks! 

She  flatters,  who  a  while  ago  dissented. 
Philem,  Give  me  the  ceruse  to  paint  my  cheeks  withal. 
8c.  You  might  as  well  paint  ivory  white  with  ink. 
Philol.   [aside]  Bravo!    The  simile  is  very  apt. 
Philem.  Give  me  the  rouge,  then. 
^^  I  shall  not,  my  lady. 

Do  you  intend  to  spoil  a  noble  work 

By  daubing  it  anew  with  clumsy  patches  ? 

A  pretty  maiden  needs  but  nature's  tints. 

Philem.  Hold  me  the  glass. 

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Philol.   [aside]  Ah  me,  she  kisses  it! 

Had  I  a  stone,  I'd  break  this  mirror's  head. 
Sc.  Here  is  a  cloth  to  wipe  your  hands. 
Philem.  Wherefore  ? 

8c.  The  silver  of  the  mirror  on  your  hands 

May  tell  Philolaches  of  silver  bribes. 
Philol.   [aside]  Methinks  a  shrewder  wench  I  never  saw; 

How  wittily  she  jests  about  the  glass! 
Philem.  Shall  I  perfume  myself  with  unguents  now? 
8c.  A  lady's  sweetest  smell's  no  smell  at  all. 

Old,  toothless  crones  alone  annoint  themselves 

The  reeking  savor  of  their  sweat  to  hide; 

But  when  the  perfume 's  mingled  with  their  sweat. 

Their  odor,  like  conglomerated  hash. 

Can  never  be  described,  but  can  be  smelt. 
Philol.   [aside]  How  clever  she  who  speaks  in  such  a  wise! 

All  you  who  have  old,  dowried  wives  at  home 

Know  Scapha's  meaning  well. 
Philem.  Come,  tell  me,  pray. 

How  does  my  robe  and  jewelry  become  me  ? 
8c.  Why,  this  concerns  not  me. 

Philem.  Whom  does't  concern  t 

8c.  Philolaches,  your  suitor,  this  must  suit, 

That  he  may  buy  you  only  what  is  fit. 

Whoever  buys  his  mistress'  moods  with  trinkets 

Wants  neither  robes  nor  pearls,  but  her  alone. 
//A  purple  robe  conceals  a  withered  form, 
//   And  jewels  gleam  when  eyes  have  lost  their  lustre ; 

A  lovely  maid,  tho '  nude,  is  fairer  far 

Than  one  bedecked  with  robes  of  royalty. 

Tho'  well  adorned,  she  is  adorned  but  ill 

Who  graceless  is ;  —  the  finest  ornaments 

Are  foul  when  sullied  with  uncharming  manners, 

For  beauty's  self  is  beauty's  ornament. 
Philol.   [aside]    'Tis  time  to  speak  to  her.     [To  Philem.]     What 

do  you  here? 
Philem.  I  do  array  my  charms  to  please  my  love. 
Philol.  Your  charms  already  are  adorned  enough.  [To  8c.] 

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Take  you  this  finery  within     [Exit  Sc]     And  now, 
My  darling,  I  desire  to  feast  with  you. 
Philem.  And  I  with  you ;  your  pleasure,  love,  is  mine. 
Philol  By  Jove,  these  words  were  cheap  at  twenty  thousand. 
Philem.  Nay,  have  them  at  a  bargain ;  give  me  ten. 
Philol.  I'll  pay  it  now,  or  balance  the  account. 
Twenty  have  I  already  spent  to  free  you. 
Philem.  Don't  cast  it  in  my  teeth. 
Philol.  Why,  no,  my  dear, 

This  is  the  best  investment  I  have  made. 
Philem.  I,  too,  in  lavishing  my  love  on  you 
The  best  investment  possible  have  made. 
Philol.  Our  two  accounts,  then,  balance  one  another. 
We  both  have  bargained  well,  for  both  gained  love. 
May  they  who  wish  us  well  themselves  fare  well, 
And  they  who  envy  us  ne'er  envied  be. 
Philem.  Come,  then,  and  let  us  on  the  couch  recline. 
Bring  water,  boy,  a  table,  and  the  dice. 
Will  you  have  perfume,  love? 
Philol.  Why,  so  I  do, 

I  have  most  fragrant  myrrh-oil  at  my  side. 
But  see  our  fellow-feasters  coming  here 
To  join  us  and  partake  of  our  good  cheer. 

Enter  Callidamates  and  Delphium. 
Duet — Callidamates  and  Delphium 
Cat.  'Tis  meet  that  I  meet 

My  friend  for  the  treat 
And  the  banquet  and  revels  and  joys ; 
So  away  then  I  slipped. 
From  the  others  I  skipped, 
For  their  gossip  most  always  annoys. 
But  pray,  now,  look  here, 
And  answer  me,  dear 
Do  I  seem  to  be  du-du-du-drunk  ? 
Del.  You  look  just  as  good 

As  ever  you  should; 
You  seem  to  be  all  full  of  spunk. 
Cat.  Do  you  want  me  to  squeeze  you  1 

72 


Del.  Why  sure,  if  it  please  you. 

Cal.  Oh,  thank  you ;  now,  pray,  lead  the  way. 

Del.  Don't  fall  now,  my  lovey. 

Cal,  My  sweet  do-do-dovey, 

You  will  keep  me  from  going  astray. 
But  please  let  me  fall 
Del.  I  don't  mind  at  all. 

Cal.  [Grasping  her]   But  whatever  I  hold  must  fall,  too. 

Del.  My  darling,  my  own, 

'T won't  befall  you  alone, 

For  if  you  fall,  then  I'll  follow  you. 

Cal.  And  some  passer-by 

Del.  Will  come,  as  we  lie. 

Both  And  lift  us,  my  bubsy,  my  sweet. 

Cal.  But  where  do  we  go? 

Oh,  surely  I  know. 
To  my  home  for  a  right  royal  treat. 
Del.  But  where  do  we  go? 

Oh,  surely  you  know, 
To  your  home  for  a  right  royal  treat. 
Philol.  I  wish  to  go  and  meet  them,  0  my  life, 

(For  he's  my  chief  est  friend,  and  boon-companion), 

And  in  a  moment  I'll  return  to  you. 
Philem.  A  moment  spent  without  you  is  an  age. 
Cal.  Who's  there? 
Philol.  'Tis  I. 

Cal.  Hallo,  Philolaches, 

All  hail  to  you,  most  noble  friend  of  all ! 
Philol.  God  bless  you,  Callidamates;  pray,  sit  down. 

Whence  come  you? 
Cal.  Whence  a  hearty  drunkard  should. 

Philem.  Prithee,  my  Delphium,  recline  with  me. 

[To  hoy]  Give  her  wherewith  she  may  regale  herself."^ 
Cal.  I  shall  to  sleep. 

Philol.  'Tis  nothing  new  with  him. 

Del.  What  shall  I  do  with  him  ? 
Philem.  Why,  let  him  be. 

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Haste  boy,  and  pass  the  brimming  goblet  round, 
And  let  the  air  with  lusty  cheer  resound. 

[End  of  Act  I,] 


ACT  II 

Tranio,    Oh,  my  master's  son  is  all  undone, 

And  a  sorrow's  come  to  me; 
Now  my  courage  is  fled,  my  hope  is  sped, 
For  this  is  Jove's  decree; 
And  no  fairy  nor  elf  now,  nor  Safety  herself  now 
Can  free  us  from  misery. 

Just  a  moment  ago  a  world  of  woe 

Into  this  port  did  sail; 
From  abroad  to  his  home  my  master  is  come, 
And  nothing  can  avail: 
When  I  saw  my  old  master,  I  saw  my  disaster 
And  my  fate  I  now  bewail. 

Is  there  anyone  here  who  has  no  fear 

To  get  a  flogging  for  pay? 
Let  him  take  my  place,  for  it's  no  disgrace, 

Come  on,  and  don't  delay; 
Come,  be  tied  with  a  tether  and  lashed  with  the  leather, 

And  myself,  —  I'll  run  away. 

Those  who  would  fain  on  the  scaffold  be  slain 

For  a  very  little  sum. 
Or  who  have  no  fear  to  be  pierced  with  a  spear. 
Come,  bear  my  martyrdom ; 
And  if  master  will  slay  you,  then  surely  I'll  pay  you 

If  in  person  you  will  come. 
Now  I  am  miserably  speeding  home 
To  tell  them  that  my  master  is  arrived. 

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Philol.  See,  Tranio  is  back  with  the  provisions. 

Tr.  Philolaches,  — 

Philol.  What  now  ? 

Tr.  We  are  about  — 

Philol.  Well,  what  about  us? 

Tr.  We  are  both  undone. 

Philol.  How  so? 

Tr.  Your  father  is  arrived. 

PhUol.  What's  that? 

Tr.  We  're  lost,  I  say ;  your  father  has  returned. 

Philol.  Where  is  he,  pray? 

Tr.  He  will  be  here  at  once. 

Philol.  Who  told  you  this?    Who  saw  him? 

Tr.  I,  myself. 

Philol.  Ah,  me !  what  can  I  do  ? 

Tr.  What  can  you  do? 

You  know  yourself  that  you  can  drink  right  nobly. 
Philol.  You  saw  my  father? 
Tr.  Yes. 

PhUol.  You  did  ? 

Tr.  Indeed. 

Philol.  If  this  be  true,  my  hopes  lie  low  indeed. 
Tr.   'Tis  true ;  for  what  have  I  to  gain  by  lying  ? 
Philol.  What  shall  I  do  now  ? 
Tr,  Order  everything 

To  be  removed ;  but  who  is  sleeping  here  ? 
Philol.  'Tis  Callidamates. 
Tr.  Rouse  him,  Delphium. 

Del.  Wake  up,  wake  up,  I  tell  you,  Callidamates. 
Cal.  I  am  awake ;  give  me  a  jug  of  wine. 
Del.  Awake.    Philolaches'  father  is  arrived. 
Cal.  I  hope  he's  well. 
Philol.  Aye,  he  is  very  well ; 

But  it  will  certainly  be  ill  with  all. 
Cal.  Withal  ?    What  have  you  to  be  ill  withal  ? 
Philol.  Wake  up,  I  beg  of  you ;  my  father  is  come. 
Cal.  Your  father  has  no  right  to  come  so  soon. 

Go  tell  him  to  go  back. 


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PhiloL  What  shall  I  do  ? 

My  father  will  arrive  and  find  us  tipsy, 
And  the  house  full  of  revellers  and  wenches. 
Just  as  the  wretch,  his  burning  thirst  to  quell, 
(But  not  before)  begins  to  dig  a  well. 
So  I,  now  father's  at  the  very  door. 
Too  late,  in  trembling  fear,  for  aid  implore. 

Tr.  He's  dropped  to  sleep  again.    Awake,  I  say. 

PhiloL  Wake  up,  my  father  will  arrive  here  soon. 

Cal.  Give  me  my  slippers,  and  I'll  take  my  arms 
And  slay  him. 

Del,  Hold  your  tongue. 

Philol  Pray,  take  him  in. 

CaL  Give  me  a  chamber-pot  at  once,  or  else 
I'll  make  a  chamber-pot  of  you. 

Philol,  I'm  lost! 

Tr.  Be  of  good  cheer;  I'll  find  a  remedy. 

Philol.  I'm  ruined! 

Xr.  Nay,  I'll  get  you  out  of  this. 

I'll  so  contrive  this  matter  that  your  father 

Will  flee  from  here  in  dread ;  and  in  the  meantime 

Betake  yourselves  and  take  all  things  within. 

Philol.  Where  shall  I  be? 

f^  Where  you  most  wish  to  be, 

A-drinking  and  carousing  with  your  mistress. 

Del.  Shall  we  depart  then  hence? 

jf^  No,  not  an  inch. 

Let  naught  deter  you  from  your  revelry. 
Philol.  I  sweat  with  fear  lest  all  will  not  be  well. 
Tr.  Prithee,  fear  not,  but  do  whate'er  I  say. 

I  want  the  women  first  to  go  within. 

Del.  We  shall  obey. 

j^r,  God  grant  it !    Now,  attend ; 

First  have  the  doors  all  locked ;  and  take  great  care 

That  not  a  syllable  is  whispered  there  y 

Philol.  It  shall  be  done. 

ffj.  As  though  none  dwells  within. 

Philol.  All  right. 
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/ 


Tr.  Nor  answer  when  your  father  knocks. 

Philol.  What  else? 

Tr.  And  bring  the  latch-key  from  within, 

For  from  without  I  wish  to  lock  the  house. 
Philol.  Myself,  my  hopes  I  now  commit  to  you. 

Do  whatsoever  you  will  with  us.        [Exeunt  all  hut  Tranio. 
Tr.  Nor  hope  nor  cunning  cleverness  avails  / 

Where  fear  is  peer  and  cowardice  prevails; 

For  any  man  with  tactless  craft  can  act, 

But  craft  is  weak  if  unallied  with  tact; 

And  he  who  is  both  wise  and  confident 

Does  naught  of  which  he  ever  may  repent. 

So,  too,  will  I  with  clever  courage  strive. 

And  fearless  feats  I  '11  handily  contrive. 

That  all  this  turbulent  and  whirling  storm 

May  soon  be  settled,  calm,  and  uniform. 

[Enter  boy]   How  now,  boy?    very  well,  you  bring  the  key. 
Boy  Philolaches  most  earnestly  beseeches 

That  you  will  scare  his  father  off  from  here. 
Tr.  Nay,  tell  him  that  I  so  will  manage  it. 

That  covering  his  head  he  '11  flee  in  terror. 

Give  me  the  key,  and  I  will  lock  the  door 

From  the  outside.    Now  let  the  old  man  come, 

And  I  will  treat  him  to  a  pomp  and  show 

The  like  of  which  he'll  never  see  in  death. 

I  shall  aside,  and  from  this  place  I  '11  watch 

Whence  I  may  load  my  master  with  deceit. 

Enter  Theopropides 
Th.  Neptune,  I  do  thank  thee. 

For  I  almost  drank  thee, 

But  I  have  'scaped  thy  rage,  tho'  scarce  alive. 

If  again  you  catch  me 

Here,  you  may  despatch  me. 

And  dash  me,  crush  me,  let  me  not  survive. 


I  shall  never,  never 
Foolishly  endeavor 

Once  more  to  trust  the  murky,  mighty  main. 


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I  am  done  with  thee  now, 
I  shall  shun  the  sea  now, 

And  on  the  land  a-lolling  I'll  remain. 
Tr,  .  [Aside]  Neptune,  you're  a  sinner 
And  a  first  beginner 

You  should  have  drowned  him  when  you  had  the  chance. 
Th.  Won 't  they  be  delighted 
When  we  are  united 

And  when  they  hear  of  my  deliverance? 
Tr,    [aside]  'Twould  have  pleased  us  better 
To  receive  a  letter 

And  hear  news  that  you  were  drowned  at  sea. 

Th.  Neptune,  I  do  thank  thee. 

For  I  almost  drank  thee. 

But  thou  hast  saved  me  by  thy  clemency. 
Tr.  Neptune,  I  can't  thank  you. 

For  he  almost  drank  you. 

But  you  have  saved  him  to  our  misery. 
Th.  But  what  means  this  ?    The  door  is  locked  by  day. 

Ho,  there  within !    Will  some  one  open  the  door  ? 
Tr.  What  man  is  this  who  tries  to  enter  here  ? 
Th.  Surely,  this  is  my  servant  Tranio. 
Tr.  0,  dear  my  master,  I  am  most  rejoiced 

To  see  you.    Prithee,  tell  me,  are  you  well  ? 

Th.  I  am  and  have  been  well. 

j^  'Tis  very  well  - 

Th.  Now,  tell  me,  Tranio,  are  you  insane  ? 

Tr.  How  so  ? 

Tr.  You   promenade   about  the   streets. 

And  here's  no  mortal  man  to  answer  me, 
Although  I  almost  smashed  the  door  by  knocking. 

You  touched  the  door  ? 

Most  certainly  I  did. 

I  knocked  until  I  all  but  shattered  it. 

You  touched  it? 

Yes,  I  touched  and  knocked  and  kicked  it. 

Ah  me! 

How  now  ? 


Tr. 
Th. 

Tr. 
Th. 
Tr. 
Th. 

78 


Tr.  Oh,  most  unlucky  touch! 

Th.  What  have  I  done  ? 

Tr.  I  dare  not  mention  it. 

Th.  Come,  now. 

Tr.  Yes,  come.    Betake  yourself  to  flight. 

Fly  here  at  once ;  at  once  fly  here  to  me. 

You  touched  it? 
Th.  Yes,  I  say,  and  beat  upon  it. 

Tr.  Oh,  you  have  ruined  — 
Th.  Whom  ? 

Tr.  Yourself  and  yours. 

Th.  May  all  the  gods  destroy  you  for  this  omen. 
Tr.  I  fear  me  it  is  you  they  will  destroy. 
Th.  Pray,  what's  amiss? 
Tr.  Send  these  attendants  hence. 

Touch  not  the  door,  but  touch  the  earth  in  prayer. 
Th.  Wherefore? 
Tr.  Seven  months  ago  we  left  the  housse. 

And  from  that  day  to  this  none  entered  it. 
Th.  Prithee,  why  so? 

Tr.  See  to't  that  none  o'erhears  us. 

Th.  All  is  quite  safe. 
Tr.  Nay,  look  around  again. 

Th.  No  one  is  near ;  speak  out,  be  not  constrained. 
Tr.  A  capital  offence  has  been  committed. 
Th.  I  do  not  understand. 
Tr.  A  cruel  crime 

Of  ancient  date  has  been  committed  here. 
Th.  Of  ancient  date? 
Tr.  We've  just  discovered  it. 

Th.  What  crime  has  been  committed,  and  by  whom? 
Tr.  A  host  his  unsuspecting  guest  did  slay;  — 

The  same,  methinks,  who  sold  the  house  to  you. 
Th.  He  slew  him  ? 
Tr.  Yes,  and  robbed  him  of  his  money. 

And  buried  him  right  there  upon  the  spot. 
Th.  Upon  what  grounds  do  you  suspect  the  deed? 
Tr.  Listen,  and  I  will  tell.    One  day  your  son 


•1 


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} 


/ 


Dined  out ;  and  after  he  returned  at  night 

And  went  to  sleep,  I  left  the  lamp  a-light. 

But  suddenly  he  shouted  loud — 
j;^  My  son  ? 

Tr,  Hist,  do  not  speak.    He  said  that  in  his  sleep 

The  ghost  accosted  him. 
j/^  What,  in  his  sleep  ? 

Tr.  Indeed !    But  hear ;  he  told  him  how  he  died. 
Th.  What,  in  his  sleep'/ 
fr  How  could  he  speak  to  him 

Awake,  when  he  is  dead  these  sixty  years  ? 

If  I  err  not,  you  sometimes  err,  my  master. 

But  hear  the  rest.    The  murdered  man  spoke  thus : 

^'A  murdered  guest  am  I  from  foreign  shores. 

Diapontius  is  my  name,  and  this,  my  home. 

For  I  may  not  abide  in  Acheron, 

Who  have  been  slain  before  my  destined  day. 

My  host,  avowing  friendship,  murdered  me  ^  ^. 

And  hid  me  here,  unburied  and  unwept, 

Depart  then,  mortals,  from  these  cursed  walls.'' 
'Twould  take  me  years  to  number  all  the  ills 

And  prodigies  that  in  this  house  appear. 

Th.  Hist,  Hist! 

Tr,  What's  this? 

fj^  There  is  a  noise  within. 

Tr.  He  knocked,  not  I. 

j/^  My  blood's  congealed  with  dread 

Lest  they  will  drag  me  off  t6  Acheron. 
Tr.   [Aside]  I  fear  me  much  that  they  will  mar  my  plans. 
Th.  What  say  you  to  yourself  ? 
f^  Good  master,  fly. 

Th.  Whither?     And  why  do  you  not  fly  as  well? 
Tr.  I  fear  not,  for  I  am  at  peace  with  the  dead. 

[From  within]   Ho,  Tranio ! 
fr^  Be  wise  and  call  not  me. 

I  've  done  no  wrong  nor  beat  upon  the  door. 
Th.  What  man  are  you  addressing  ? 
fj.  Did  you  speak? 

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Methought  I  heard  the  murdered  man  complain 
That  you  had  knocked.     Pray,  do  obey  me,  master. 
Th.  What  shall  I  do? 

^^'  Look  not  upon  the  house. 

But  veil  your  head  and  fly. 
^^'  Then  you  fly,  too. 

Tr.  I  need  not,  for  I  am  at  peace  with  the  dead. 
Th.  Why  then  these  quaking  limbs  and  trembling  tongue? 
Tr.  Fear  not  for  me,  for  I  am  at  peace  with  the  dead. 

But  fly,  my  master,  fly,  my  lord,  haste,  fly, 

And  Hercules  invoke. 
Th.  0,  Hercules. 

I  beg  of  you  — 

T*'-  [Aside]   I,  too,  that  on  this  day 

You'll  heap  a  world  of  woe  upon  his  head. 
Ye  gods  immortal,  I  invoke  your  aid;  — 
The  firm  foundations  of  my  plot  I  've  laid. 

[End  of  Act  II.] 


ACT  III. 


Misargyrides:  I've  never  had  a  duller  year  than  this; 

No  interest  in  it  for  usurers. 

From  mom  till  night  I  spend  upon  the  forum 

Yet  not  a  single  customer  find  I. 

Enter  Tranio. 
Tr.   [Aside]  Now  I  am  lost  for  ever  and  a  day, 

For  here's  the  usurer  who  lent  the  money 

Wherewith  Philolaehes  his  mistress  bought. 

If  I  do  not  anticipate  my  master. 

He  soon  will  learn  how  much  we  owe  to  him. 

But  why  returns  he  here  so  speedily  ? 

I  fear  me  much  he  has  discovered  all. 

I  '11  to  him  like  a  hero !    How  I  tremble. 

A  guilty  conscience,  more  than  all  things  else, 


81 


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The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 


Th. 

Tr. 

Th, 
Tr. 


Is  pregnant  aye  with  horrid  apprehension. 
But  I  must  summon  all  my  cunning  now 
And  twist  this  tangled  labyrinth  the  more. 

Enter  Theopropides, 

Whence  come  you,  master? 

I  have  met  the  man 

From  whom  I  bought  the  house. 

And  have  you  told  him 

What  I  told  you? 

Yes,  every  word. 

[Aside]  Alas, 
My  tricks  are  tricked,  my  trumpery  is  undone. 
Th.  What^s  this  you're  saying  to  yourself? 
ji^  Why,  nothing. 

But  tell  me,  did  you  tell  him  all  ? 
jij^  Yes,  all. 

Tr.  Did  he  confess? 

j/i.  Most  stoutly  he  denied  it. 

What  say  you  to  it  ? 

I?    What  should  I  say? 

Appoint  an  arbiter  between  us  two, 
(One  who  will  be  persuaded  by  my  tale) 
And  you  will  see  the  truth  as  plain  as  day. 
Mis.  Why,  here  is  Tranio,  my  debtor's  slave, 
Who  pays  no  interest  on  principle. 
Where  are  you  bound  for,  Tranio  ? 

Why,  nowhere. 
[Aside]  Ah,  hapless  me !    The  gods  despise  me  all. 
He  will  demand  his  debt  in  master's  presence. 
On  this  side  and  on  that  I  am  beset 
With  overwhelming  mighty  miseries. 

1 11  speak  to  him. 
jj^lg  He 's  coming  toward  me. 

*  O,  smiling  hope !    Perchance  he  means  to  pay. 
Tr.  [Aside]  He  smiles.    Vain  hope!     Perchance  he  thinks  I  U 

pay. 
[To  Mis.]  All  hail  to  you,  my  noble  Silverspurn! 

Mis.  All  hail  to  you ;  and  will  you  pay  ? 
82 


Tr. 


Tr. 


Tr.  Go  to. 

You  open  fire  directly  you  arrive. 
Mis.  This  man  is  penniless. 
Tr.  This  man's  a  prophet. 

Mis.  Pray,  stop  your  nonsense ;  tell  me  what  you  have. 
Tr.  Pray,  give  the  essence  of  what  you  want  to  have. 
Mis  Where  is  Philolaches? 
Tr.  My  worthy  sir, 

You've  come  most  opportunely  at  this  time. 
Mis.  How  so  ? 
Tr.  Step  here. 

Mis.  I  want  my  interest. 

Tr.  Don 't  bawl.    I  know  you  have  two  lusty  lungs. 
Mis.  By  Jove,  I  will  bawl. 
Tr.  Prithee,  humor  me. 

Mis.  Why  should  I  humor  you  more  than  myself? 
Tr.  Go  home,  I  beg  you,  and  return  at  noon. 
Mis.  And  will  you  pay  my  interest? 
Tr.  I  will. 

Mis.  'Tis  waste  of  time  to  hurry  to  and  fro. 

And  therefore  here  will  I  remain  till  midday. 
Tr.  Pray  go  now ;  I  will  pay  you ;  go  now,  pray. 
Mis.  Give  me  my  interest!     I'll  have  no  trifling. 
Tr.  Fine,  very  fine!     Be  prudent  though,  and  go. 
Mis.  I'll  call  his  name. 
Tr.  You  have  a  splendid  voice. 

Your  shouting  makes  you  happier,  I  trow. 
Mis.  Enough  have  I  been  fooled.    I  want  my  money. 

If  I  displease  you,  pay  me,  and  I'll  go. 
Tr.  Then  take  your  principal. 
Mis.  My  interest! 

I  want  my  interest! 
Tr.  Most  shameless  knave. 

Do  you  want  to  burst  your  lungs?    Tend  to  your  business. 

He'll  pay  you  naught,  nor  owes  you  aught. 
Mis.  Owes  naught? 

Tr.  No,  not  a  particle  will  you  take  hence. 

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Why  stand  you  here  and  shout?    Do  you  expect 
That  he'll  be  banished  for  your  interest? 
Come,  take  the  principal. 
]^is,  'Tis  not  for  that, 

But  for  my  interest  that  here  I  Ve  come. 
Tr.  Go  to;  you're  not  the  only  usurer 

Who  has  both  principles  and  interests. 
Mis.  My  interest !    Pay  me  my  interest ! 
My  interest  I  want !    Pay  me  at  once ! 
Give  me  my  interest!     My  interest! 
Tr.  Bawl  on ;  your  interest  here,  your  interest  there ; 
Your  only  interest  is  interest. 
I  never  saw,  methinks,  a  viler  beast. 
Mis.  You  will  not  frighten  me  away  with  this. 
Th.  These  words,  tho'  distant,  scorch  me  with  their  heat. 

What  interest  is  this  that  he  demands  ? 
Tr.  Here  is  his  father,  who  has  just  returned ; 
He'll  pay  you  interest  and  principal. 
That  you  may  cause  no  further  trouble  here. 
Mis.  As  soon  as  I  am  paid,  I  will  depart. 
Th.  What  say  you,  sir  ? 
rpr^  What  would  you,  sir? 

j,j^  Who's  this? 

What  does  he  want?    And  wherefore  is  he  bawling? 

What  sum  or  sums  are  due  him  from  my  son  ? 
Tr.  Pray,  have  the  principal  and  interest 

Cast  in  the  scoundrel's  face. 
jij^  Wherefore  ? 

y^*  Prithee, 

Order  some  one  to  lash  his  face  with  money. 
Mis.  I'd  gladly  bear  the  whip  and  scourge  of  gold! 

Th.  What  gold  is  this  ? 

jf^  Your  son  Philolaches 

Owes  him  a  trifle. 
rpf^  How  much  does  he  owe  ? 

Tr    Some  forty  minae.     'Tis  not  much. 
Mis.  'Tis  little. 

Tr.  How  like  a  roguish  usurer  he  is ! 

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^Q^. 


Th.  I  care  not  who  or  what  or  whence  he  is ; 

But  this  I  now  would  know,  how  great  a  sum 

Is  due  him. 
Tr.  Only  four  and  forty  minae. 

Tell  him  you'll  pay  it,  that  he  may  be  off. 
Th.  I,  tell  him  this  ? 
Tr,  Aye,  tell  him  this. 

Th.  '  I? 

Tr.  Aye. 

Pray  promise  him,  do,  pray,  I  beg  of  you. 
Th.  What  has  he  done  with  it? 
Tr.  The  money's  safe. 

Th.  Pay  it  yourself  if  it  is  safe. 
Tr.  Your  son. 

Has  bought  a  house. 
Th.  A  house? 

Tr.  Why,  yes. 

Th.  Bravo!     My  level-headed,  business-loving  son    ^^ 

Is  fa(r)th0ring  himself  in  real  estate. 

A  house,  you  say? 
Tr.  A  house.    And  what  a  house! 

Th.  How's  that? 
Tr.  0,  dear ! 

Th.  What  of  the  house  ? 

Tr.  Don't  ask  me. 

Th.  But  tell  me. 
Tr.  Why,  the  house  is  mirror-bright 

And  brilliancy  itself. 
Th.  Good,  very  good. 

What  did  he  pay  for  it? 
Tr.  As  many  thousands   //  f  — 

As  you  and  I  possess ;  but  as  a  pledge 

He  gave  him  forty  minae  which  he  borrowed ; 

For  when  he  learned  this  was  a  haunted  house 

He  bought  another  residence  at  once. 
Th.  Well  done. 
Mis.  The  hour  of  noon  is  now  at  hand. 


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The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 


Tr. 

Mis, 


4 


^y 


Mis, 
Tr, 


Th, 
Th, 
Th, 
Tr, 

Th, 
Tr, 


Th, 
Tr. 

Th, 
Tr. 

Th, 
Tr. 

Th. 

Tr. 

Th, 
Tr. 


Dismiss  him ;  else  he  '11  worry  us  to  death. 
In  all  we  owe  him  four  and  forty  minae. 

'Tis  all  I  ask. 

I'd  like  to  see  you  ask 

Another  cent. 

Apply  to  me  to-morrow, 

And  I  will  pay  you. 

I  am  quite  content.        [Exit  Misargy rides 

[Aside]  May  all  the  gods  confound  this  usurer 

Who  very  almost  ruined  me  to-day. 

No  race  alive  is  more  unprincipled 

Or  more  dishonest  than  the  usurers. 

Where  is  the  building  that  my  son  has  bought  ? 

[Aside]  I'm  lost  again. 

Come,  tell  me  what  I  ask. 
I  will ;  I  'm  trying  hard  to  recollect 

The  owner's  name. 

Well,  then,  recall  it  quickly. 

[Aside]  By  Jove,  I'll  tell  him  that  his  son  has  bought 

Our  neighbor's  house.    A  lie  served  hot  is  best. 

Whate  'er  the  gods  dictate  I  must  obey. 

Do  you  remember  it? 

Confound  this  name 
[Aside,]    (Rather  this  man.)     It  is  the  house  next  door. 

Aye,  honestly? 

Yes,  if  you  f)ay'  for  it ; 
If  not,  he  did  not  buy  it  honestly. 
The  situation  is  not  first  rate. 

Why,  yes, 

It  is  most  excellent. 

I  would  inspect 
The  house.    Call  some  one  out  to  show  us  round. 
[Aside]  I'm  lost  again,  and  know  not  what  to  say. 
Upon  the  self-same  shoals  my  ship  is  shattered. 

What  now? 

[Aside]  By  Jove,  I'm  quite  resourceless  now. 

For  I  am  caught  in  the  act. 


Th,  Call  some  one  out 

To  show  us  round. 
Tr,  But  there  are  ladies  here. 

First  we  must  ask  thefn  their  permission. 
Th.  You  speak  most  truly.    Question  them  within 

And  meanwhile  I  shall  wait  for  you  outside. 
Tr,   [Aside]  May  all  the  gods  destroy  you  utterly, 

In  such  a  wise  are  you  opposing  me. 

But  see,  here  comes  the  owner  of  the  house 

Just  in  the  nick  of  time.    I  '11  step  aside ; 

And  now  my  counsel 's  council  in  my  heart  " 

I'll  gather,  all  my  master's  plans  to  thwart. 

Enter  Simo 
Si,  Good  dinners  I've  eaten  galore 

Before, 

And  good  drinks  I  have  drunk  by  the  score 

And  more ; 

But  to-day's  meal  so  rare 

Beats  them  all,  I  declare ; 
Such  a  dinner  I  surely  adore. 


Tra-la-lore, 


Such  a  dinner  I  surely  adore. 

Why  my  wife  filled  me  full  of  good  cheer 


86 


For  to-night  she  wants  to  be  near 

For  after  I'm  fed 
She  sends  me  to  bed ; 
But  secretly  I'll  disappear 

Oh,  secretly  I'll  disappear. 
Right  after  a  meal  I  detest 

And  so  I  will  play  her  this  jest 

And  oh,  won't  she  fume. 
And  oh,  won't  she  spume, 
When  she  sees  that  I  did  disappear 


Is  clear; 
Her  dear. 


From  here, 


A  rest; 
In  protest. 


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Tr. 


Si, 


Tr, 


8i, 

Tr. 

Si, 

Tr, 

Si, 

Tr, 

Si, 

88 


From  here, 
When  she  sees  that  I  did  disappear. 
[Aside]  But  to-night  you  will  sup 
On  a  right  bitter  cup, 

And  you'll  creep 
To  sleep 

All  whipped 
In  a  heap. 
Whoever  has  a  dowried  wife 
Must  never  take  a  nap ; 
For  then  he  leads  a  tranquil  life, 
And  meets  with  no  mishap. 
I  too  must  do 
What  I  tell  you, 
And  steal  away  from  home ; 
1 11  be  banged,  I  '11  be  battered, 
And  shaken  and  shattered 

When  home  again  I'll  come. 
[Aside]  If  your  prank  turns  out  sadly 
And  your  wife  beats  you  badly. 
You  must  claim 
All  the  blame 

Yourself 
To  your  shame. 
But  I  must  speak  to  him.    I  have  it  now ! 
My  flashing  wit  will  avert,  the  lashing  whip. 
[To  Simo]  May  God  send  many  blessings  on  you,  Simo. 
Hail,  Tranio. 

How  fare  you  ? 

Fairly  well. 

And  what  are  you  about  ? 

I  am  about 

To  clasp  a  noble  hand. 

'Tis  very  kind 

Of  you  to  praise  me  thus. 

'Tis  right. 

Indeed ; 
But  I  hold  by  the  hand  a  knavish  slave. 


The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 


Th.  Harkee,  you  whip-scourge,  back  to  me,  I  say. 

Tr.  I'll  be  there  in  a  moment. 

Si,  Well,  how  long  — 

Tr,  What's  that? 

Si.  Will  you  continue  your  carouse  ? 

Tr.  What  do  you  mean? 

Si,  You  know  my  meaning  well. 

Consider,  pray,  how  short  the  life  of  man  is.  ^ 
Tr,  I  see  you  mean  our  feasts  and  revelry. 
Si.  You  play  a  lively  tune,  and  it  is  right; 

You  eat  and  drink  in  very  merry  style  — 
Tr,  Aye,  so  it  was ;  but  there 's  an  end  to  it. 
Si,  How  so? 

Tr,  We  're  ruined,  every  one  of  us. 

Si,  Qo  to ;  you  have  enjoyed  good  fortune  all. 
Tr.  'Tis  true  that  we  have  lived  most  heartily. 

But  now  the  favoring  breeze  has  left  our  ship 

Most  shamefully. 
Si.  Why  don't  you  beach  your  ship,  then? 

Tr.  Ah  me ! 

Si.  Why,  what 's  the  matter  ? 

Tr,  I'm  undone. 

Si.  How  so? 

Tr.  A  hostile  ship  has  shattered  ours. 

Si.  I  hear  most  painful  news.    But  what's  amiss? 
Tr.  My  master  has  returned. 
Si.  The  rope  is  stretched. 

The  galling  fetters  clink,  anon,  the  cross. 
Tr.  I  do  implore  you,  Simo,  bear  not  witness 

Against  your  friend. 
;8f^.  Fear  not,  I'll  tell  him  nothing. 

Tr.  Blessings  on  you,  my  patron. 
Si,  I  don't  want 

Clients  like  you. 
Tr.  And  now  I'll  speak  to  you 

About  the  business  on  which  master  sent  me. 
Si.  First,  Tranio,  give  answer  to  my  question: 

Suspects  he  yet  how  you  have  ruined  him? 


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Tr.  Nothing  does  he  suspect. 

^l  Blames  he  his  son  ? 

Tr.  He  is  as  tranquil  as  the  calmest  weather. 
But  he  entreated  me  to  ask  of  you 
That  you  permit  him  to  inspect  your  house. 

8i,  'Tis  not  for  sale. 

r£^  I  know  it ;  but  my  master 

Desires  to  build  some  baths,  a  walk,  a  porch, 

And  separate  apartment  for  the  women. 

Si.  What  is  he  dreaming  of? 

jT^  I'll  tell  you  why; 

He  wants  his  son  to  marry  as  soon  as  may  be, 
And  hence  he  would  construct  a  women's  suite  a 
Some  architect  or  other  praised  your  house, 
And  said  it  was  quite  awfully  well  constructed. 
Hence  he  would  model  his  house  after  yours; 
For  he  has  heard  that  yours  is  shaded  well 
In  summer  all  day  long  from  early  morn. 
Si.  On  the  contrary,  'tis  shady  anywhere 

But  here.    The  sunlight  stands  from  morn  till  night 
Like  a  patient  creditor.    I  have  no  shade 
Save  in  the  well.     'Tis  truth  I'm  telling  you. 

Tr.  But  still  he  likes  to  see  it. 

^l  If  he  likes. 

Why,  then,  he  may ;  and  he  may  use  as  model 

Whate'er  he  likes. 
ji^  Then  shall  I  call  him? 

8%. 

Tr.  Alexander  and  Agathocles  were  worthy  kings 
And  mighty  were  their  deeds  and  great ; 
And  therefore  every  country  with  their  praises  rings, 

And  all  the  men  their  deeds  relate. 
Now  I'm  the  third  great  mortal  who  will  win  wide  fame, 

For  I'll  achieve  a  wondrous  deed. 
And  every  man  and  woman  will  applaud  my  name 
If  in  my  exploit  I'll  succeed. 


go 


The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 


Oh,  see  the  two  silly  old  men; 

They  carry  the  pack 

Strapped  onto  their  back; 
Oh,  see  the  two  silly  old  men. 

I  've  hit  upon  a  trade  in  which  I  '11  make  good  gain ; 

No  mother's  son  will  be  my  peer ; 
/    For  I  will  use  instead  of  mules  this  muly  twain. 

And  I  will  be  their  muleteer. 
And  both  with  very  heavy  saddles  I  will  load. 

For  they  can  bear  a  great  big  heap : 
And  won 't  I  drive  and  goad  them  up  and  down  the  road. 

Oh,  I'll  never  let  my  mulees  creep. 


Oh,  see  the  two  silly  old  men ; 
They  carry  the  pack 
Strapped  onto  their  back ; 

Oh,  see  the  two  silly  old  men. 

[Aside]  I   will   address  him.      [To   Theopropides] 
Theopropides. 

Th.  Who's  calling  me? 

Tr.  A  slave  most  tried  and  true. 

Th.  Whence  come  you? 

Tr.  AH  your  orders  I've  obeyed. 

Th.  Why  did  you  linger  longer  than  you  should? 

Tr.  Finding  him  busy,  I  did  bide  his  leisure. 

Th.  You're  still  attached  to  your  old  tardy  ways. 

Tr.  Prithee,  reflect  upon  the  ancient  proverb : 

**You  can  not  blow  both  hot  and  cold  together." 
I  could  not  be  both  here  and  there  at  once. 

Th.  What  now? 

Tr.  You  may  inspect  it  at  your  will. 

Th.  Come,  lead  the  way. 
Xr.  All  right,  I'll  go. 

y;^  I'll  follow. 

Tr.  The  owner  waits  for  you  before  the  house. 
How  sadly  he  repents  that  he  has  sold  it ! 


Hail, 


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The  Stratford  Journal 


Th,  Why  so? 

Tr.  He  begs  you  to  persuade  your  son 

To  restore  the  house  to  him. 
TJi,  Nay,  he  will  not; 

For  charity  begins  at  home.    Had  we  been  cheated, 

Simo  would  never  have  permitted  us 

To  sell  it  back.    Whatever  gain  we  make 

'Tis  just  and  equitable  home  to  take. 

Profit  and  pity  cannot  house  together. 
Tr.  Delay  no  longer;  follow  me. 
Th.  I  will. 

I'm  at  your  service. 
Xf^  Here's  the  man  himself. 

Si,  I'm  mightily  rejoiced  to  see  you  safe. 

Th.  God  bless  you. 

Si,  I  am  told  that  you  desire 

To  see  my  house, 
j/i.  Yes,  if  it  is  your  pleasure. 

Si.  Why,  so  it  is ;  come  in. 

jT/t^  Yes,  but  the  ladies. 

Si.  My  friend,  you  shouldn't  care  a  straw  for  ladies. 

Inspect  the  house  as  though  it  were  your  own. 
Th.  ''As  though  it  were?" 
r£f.  Don't  cast  it  in  his  teeth, 

For  see  how  sad  he  is  because  he  sold  it. 

Th.  I  see. 

Tr.       Then  see  you  do  not  seem  to  gloat 
Or  revel  in  it  overmuch.    And  pray. 
Don't  say  to  him  that  you  have  bought  the  house. 

Th.  I  understand,  and  thank  you;  and  I  think 
That  you  do  show  yourself  humane  in  this. 

Well,  then? 

Step  in  and  see  it  at  your  leisure. 
I  thank  you  for  your  kindness. 

You  are  welcome. 

Shall  I  procure  some  one  to  take  you  around? 
I  hate  the  word  *^ procure."    I'd  rather  err 
Myself,  than  have  some  one  procured  for  me. 

I 


Si. 
Th. 

Si. 

Th. 

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The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 


Tr.  See  what  a  spacious  vestibule  and  walk ! 

Th.  They're  very  handsome. 

Tr.  Now  behold  the  pillars. 

How  firm  and  thick  they  are. 
Th.  I  never  saw 

Such  pretty  pillars. 
Si.  I  had  bought  them  once 

At  a  very  pretty  price. 
Tr.  y  You  hear  him,  master? 

He  had  bought  them.    He  scarce  can  check  his  tears. 
Th.  What  did  you  pay  for  them? 
Si.  Three  minae,  sir. 

Besides  the  freight. 
Th.  They're  ever  so  much  poorer 

Than  I  had  thought  at  first. 
Tr.  Prithee,  why  so? 

Th.  Because  the  wood-worms  split  them  at  the  bottom. 
Tr.  They  must  have  hewn  the  pillars  out  of  season ; 

But  cover  them  with  pitch,  and  they  are  sound. 

No  pottage-eating  foreign  bungler  carved  them. 

Do  you  see  the  joints  there  in  the  door  ? 
Th.  I  do. 

Tr.  Take  note  how  sound  asleep  they  are. 
Th,  Asleep  ? 

Tr.  I  mean  how  dull  and  heavy  they  appear. 
Th.  The  more  I  ponder  on't  the  more  I'm  pleased. 
Tr.  Do  you  see  the  painting  where  a  cunning  crow 

Is  making  sport  of  two  old  vultures  ? 
Th.  No. 

Tr.  'Tis  strange,  for  I  can  see  them  well.    The  crow 

Between  them  stands  and  carps  at  each  in  turn. 

Look  toward  me  and  you  will  see  the  crow. 

Do  you  see  it  now? 
Th.  Why,  no ;  I  see  no  crow. 

Tr.  Then  look  in  your  direction,  and  you'll  see 

The  vultures. 
Th.  In  short,  I  see  no  painted  bird. 

Tr.  I  make  allowances,  for  you  are  old. 


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Th.  But  what  I  can  see  pleases  me  immensely. 

SL  'Tis  worth  your  while  to  inspect  this  building  further 

Th.  Quite  true. 

Si.  Boy,  show  the  gentleman  around. 

I  'd  stay  with  you,  but  I  must  to  the  forum. 

Go  in. 
Th,        I'll  go. 
Si.  Pray,  go. 

Th.  Yes,  yes,  I'll  go. 

Tr.  Beware,  the  dog! 

fjj^  See  if  there's  one  within. 

Tr.  St!    Off  with  you,  you  dog!    The  devil  take  you. 

Go  and  be  hanged !    St,  get  away ! 
a^  Fear  not. 

She  is  as  gentle  as  a  pregnant  woman. 

Step  boldly  in,  whilst  I  go  to  the  forum. 
Th.  God  speed  you,  Simo,  for  your  kindliness. 

Pray,  Tranio,  remove  the  dog. 
rp^  But  see 

How  calmly  she  reposes.    Let's  within. 

Th.  Then  follow  me. 

ji^  Come  whatsoever  may, 

1 11  follow,  and  your  bests  will  I  obey. 

[End  of  Act  III.] 


ACT  IV 


Phani^cus.  A  slave  who  is  faultless,  yet  punishment  fears, 

Is  a  servant  most  useful  to  have ; 
But  he  who  is  bad,  yet  at  punishment  sneers, 
For  a  race  keeps  on  training,  and  aye  perseveres, 
And  at  last  runs  away,  this  fool  slave. 
But  I  have  a  plan. 
To  see  if  I  can 
Keep  away  all  misfortune  from  me ; 

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I'll  counsel  my  hide 
To  keep  floggings  outside, 
To  be  rain-tight,  from  whipcracks  all  free. 


t  ( 


As  master  as  man "  is  a  very  good  saw, 
And  we  have  bad  servants  galore; 
To  waste,  to  be  whipped  is  their  life 's  very  law ; 
When  called  to  their  master,  the  servants  say,  **Aw, 

Don't  bother  or  make  me  feel  sore. 
I  know  what's  your  hurry,  you're  off  for  a  feed. 
For  you  are  a  gluttonous  mule,  yes  indeed. ' ' 

But  I'm  not  a  drone. 
Of  them  all,  I  alone 
Have  come  hither  my  master  to  get; 
And  to-morrow  the  slaves 
Will  be  horsewhipped,  poor  knaves. 
But  I'll  be  rewarded,  you  bet. 
Enter  Pinacium. 
Pinaciiim.  Stop  where  you  are  and  look  around,  I  say. 
Ph.  Don't  bother  me  I  tell  you;  go  away. 
Pi.  Why,  see  the  haughty  airs  of  the  apish  wight. 

Stop  where  you  are,  you  dirty  parasite. 
Ph.  Am  I  a  parasite? 
Pi.  Indeed  you  are; 

To  get  a  meal  you  run  both  near  and  far. 
Ph.  I  like  it,  and  it  is  not  your  affair. 
Pi.  Your  master  likes  you ;  that  is  why  you  dare 

To  be  so  haughty. 
Ph.  I  've  a  pain  in  the  eyes. 

Pi.  How  so? 
Ph.  Because  you  think  yourself  so  wise 

That  you  can  make  them  smart. 
Pi.  Your  silly  joke. 

Coined  of  the  basest  mettle,  can't  provoke 
My  laughter. 
Ph.  Anything  you  say  or  do 

Cannot  provoke  my  anger  toward  you. 
My  master  knows  me. 


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Pi  His  pillow  he  ought  to  know. 

Ph.  In  soberness  you'd  not  insult  me  so. 

Enough  of  this,  you  scoundrel ;  let  us  come 
And  fetch  our  master  Callidamates  home. 
PL    I  '11  beat  upon  the  door.    What  ho,  within  1 
Open  the  door,  or  else  I  '11  wreck  it  all. 
Hm!     No  one  comes.     They're  worthless  men  indeed. 
All  the  more  reason  why  I  should  beware 
Lest  many  big  bad  blows  I  '11  have  to  bear. 

Enter  Theopropides  and  Tranio, 
Tr.  What  think  you  of  the  bargain  ? 
Tk,  'V'ery  fine, 

And  I  am  all  delight. 
ji^^  Is 't  too  expensive  ? 

Th.  I  've  never  seen  a  building  thrown  away 

At  lesser  cost  than  this. 
ff^  And  are  you  pleased  ? 

Th.  Please  ask  me  not;  Vm  pleased  with  greatest  pleasure. 
Tr.  Ho,  and  how's  the  ladies'  suite,  and  portico? 
Th.  Most  awfully  delightful,  and  the  biggest 

That  I  have  ever  seen  in  this  our  city. 
Tr.  Philolaches  and  I  have  measured  all. 
Th.  What  then  ? 

Tr.  This  is  the  largest  one  by  far. 

Th.  Ye  gods  immortal,  what  a  feplendid  bargain ! 
Not  if  he  offer  six  big  talents  now 
Will  I  accept  them. 
fr  Nay,  if  I  perceive 

That  you  desire  to  take  them,  I'll  not  let  you. 
Th.  My  son  has  made  a  very  good  investment. 
Tr.  'Twas  I,  my  master,  who  persuaded  him 
To  borrow  forty  minae  from  the  banker 
Which  he  might  give  as  earnest  for  the  house. 
Th.  You've  saved  our  ship.    He  owes  him  eighty  minae? 
Tr.  Yes,  eighty  minae,  not  another  sou. 
Th.  I'll  pay  it  back  to-day. 
y^  Do  so  at  once, 

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That  he  may  have  no  reason  to  demur ; 

Or  else  give  me  it,  and  I  '11  pay  it  to  him. 
Th.  1  will  not  let  you  trick  me,  Tranio. 
Tr.  Upon  my  word  indeed,  by  deed  or  word 

Have  ever  I  in  foolery  even  fooled  you? 
Th.  I  wisely  watched  against  you  all  the  time. 
Tr.  Since  I  am  yours,  I  've  never  cheated  you. 
Th.  Thanks  to  the  gods  and  my  owti  judgment  rare, 

I  think  that  in  a  sense  I  show  good  sense 

If  you  alone  I  guard  against. 
Tr.  You  do. 

Th.  Go  to  the  country  now  and  tell  my  son 

That  I  have  come. 
Tr.  I'll  do  as  you  command  me. 

Th.  Tell  him  to  come  with  you  at  fullest  speed. 
Tr.  I  will.     [Aside]    Through  the  back  door  I'll  enter  now 

And  get  my  boon  companions  off  in  safety.  [Exit  Tranio. 

Ph.  I  hear  no  sound  of  roisterous  revelling. 

Nor  the  performing  flute-girl's  song  hear  I. 
Th.  What  would  the  servants  here  before  my  door? 

And  why  look  they  within  ? 
Ph.  I'll  knock  again. 

Ho,  Tranio! 
Th.  What  comedy  is  this  ? 

Ph.  Come,  open  the  door;  we've  come  to  fetch  our  master. 
Th.  Hallo,  you  boys ;  why  do  you  break  the  door  ? 
Pi.  Hallo,  old  man ;  why  don 't  you  mind  your  business  ? 
Th.  It  is  my  business. 
Pi  You  are  not  the  prefect. 

Whose  business  'tis  to  mind  his  neighbor's  business. 
Th.  Boy,  this  is  not  the  house  you're  looking  for. 
Pi.  What 's  that  ?    Philolaches  has  never  sold  it. 

You're  only  making  sport  of  us,  old  fellow. 
Th.  This  is  the  truth.    But  what's  your  business  here? 
Ph.  My  master  is  carousing  there  vvithin. 
Th.  Your  master  is  carousing  there  ? 
Ph.  He  is. 

Th.  Boy,  you  are  quite  a  wag. 
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PI  We've  come  to  fetch  him. 

Th.  Fetch  whom? 

Pi,  Our  master.    Pray,  how  many  times 

Must  I  repeat  it? 
Th,  [To  Ph.]    Boy,  I'll  speak  to  you, 

For  you're  an  honest  lad.    No  one  lives  here. 
Ph,  Sir,  does  not  young  Philolaches  live  here  ? 
Th,  He  did  live  here,  but  he  has  long  since  moved. 
Ph,   [Aside]   The  man's  crack-brained.     [To  Th.] 
mistaken,  sir. 

Unless  he  moved  to-day  or  yesterday, 

He  lives  here  yet. 

None  lives  here  these  six  months. 

You're  dreaming. 


You're  much 


Th. 

Pi. 

Th. 

Pi. 

Th. 

Ph. 


I? 


Yes. 


Th. 
Ph. 

Th. 
Ph. 
Th. 
Ph. 

Th. 


Ph 
Th 


You're  impertinent. 
I'll  speak  to  t'other.    No  one  lives  here,  boy. 
Oh,  yes  they  do ;  for  on  the  day  before. 
And  on  the  day  before  the  day  before 
And  ever  since  the  day  his  father  left 
They've  not  stopped  drinking  three  days  at  a  time. 

What  say  you  1 

Scarce  a  single  day  has  passed 
But  he  has  wined  and  dine^  and  played  the  Greek. 

What  man  is  that  ? 

'Tis  young  Philolaches. 

Pray,  which  Philolaches  ? 

The  man  whose  father 
Is  gone  abroad,  as  I  believe. 

I'm  ruined 
If  this  be  true ;  but  I  will  ask  him  more. 
My  lad,  you  say  that  this  Philolaches, 
Whoever  he  may  be,  drinks  with  your  master  ? 

He  does. 

My  lad,  you  are  more  foolish  far 
Than  you  appear.    You  must  have  drunk  too  freely 

At  lunch. 


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Ph.         Why  so? 

Th.  You  do  mistake  your  place. 

Ph.  I  know  my  place,  and  this  place,  too,  I  know. 
Here  dwells  Philolaches,  who  is  the  son 

Of  old  Theopropides ;  he  freed  the  flute-girl 
At  the  departure  of  his  father. 
Th.  Who? 

Ph.  Philolaches  freed  Philematium. 
Th.  What  did  he  pay  for  her? 
Ph.  Thirty  — 

Th.  Talents  ? 

Ph.  Mais  non,  not  talents,  sir,  but  minae. 
Th.  He  freed  her? 

Ph.  Yes,  he  freed  her  thoroughly. 

Th.  For  thirty  minae  did  he  buy  the  flute-girl? 
Ph.  Why,  yes. 

Th.  And  freed  his  mistress  then  ? 

Ph.  Why,  yes. 

Th.  And  from  the  moment  that  his  father  left 

He  never  stopped  carousing  with  your  master? 
Ph.  Why,  yes. 

Th.  And  then  he  bought  the  house  ? 

Ph.  Why,  no. 

Th.  And  gave  him  as  an  earnest  eighty  minae  ? 
Ph.  Why,  no,  as  far  as  I  know. 
Th.  You  are  my  ruin. 

Ph.  Nay,  he  has  been  the  ruin  of  his  father. 
Th.  Your  prophecy 's  most  true. 
Ph.  I  would  'twere  false. 

You  are  his  father's  friend,  it  seems. 
Th.  You  name 

A  man  most  poor  indeed. 
Ph.  Those  thirty  minae 

Are  nothing  when  compared  with  the  great  sums 

That  he  did  waste  as  feast-expenditures. 

Th.  His  father's  lost. 

Ph.  Aye,  and  his  scurvy  slave 

Can  squander  even  the  wealth  of  Hercules. 


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His  father  I  most  pitifully  pity ; 

His  blessed  little  heart  will  be  consumed. 

Th.  If  this  be  true. 

p/^.  What  profit  I  by  lying  ? 

Pi.  Open  the  door. 

p}^  In  vain  you  knock  upon  it ; 

'  They  must  have  left  the  house  to  revel  elsewhere. 
Let  us  depart. 
Th,  My  boy  — 

p/^  And  look  for  them. 

Th.  Are  you  departing  ? 

p^  Freedom  like  a  cloak 

Can  cover  and  protect  you,  sir ;  but  I, 
Unless  I  care  most  zealously  for  master, 
A  cover  lose  which  I  can  ne'er  recover. 

[Exeunt  Ph.  and  Pi. 

Enter  Simo, 
Th.  Ah  me,  I  'm  ruined !  for,  from  what  I  hear, 
Not  only  have  I  sailed  to  Egypt's  land. 
But  o'er  remotest  deserts  have  I  wandered, 
And  now  I  know  not  where  I  am ;  yet  soon 
I'll  know,  for  here's  the  man  who  sold  the  house. 

What  do  you  now  ? 
^^  I'm  coming  from  the  forum. 

Th   What  news  is  there  upon  the  forum,  sir  ? 
Si.  There's  splendid  news,  new  news;  I've  seen  a  corpse. 

Th.  Hm!  . 

8%.         Yes,  a  brand  new  corpse  was  carried  out ; 
They  said  that  he  had  newly  been  alive. 

Th.  A  plague  take  you ! 

g^  Why  ask  you,  idling  thus, 

For  news  ? 
Th.  Because  I  have  returned  to-day. 

^1.  I'm  dining  out;  you  cannot  dine  with  me. 

Th.  I  don't  expect  it. 

gl^  But  to-morrow,  sir. 

Unless  there  is  another  invitation, 
I  shall  be  glad  if  we  two  dine  —  at  your  house. 

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Th.  We  won't.    But  listen  now  if  nothing  else 

Detains  you. 
Si.  I  am  at  your  service,  sir. 

Th.  You've  taken  forty  minae  from  my  son. 

So  far  as  I  know. 
Si.  I  have  not  received 

A  single  sou  from  him,  so  far  as  I  know. 
Th.  Nor  from  his  Tranio? 
Si.  No  more  from  him. 

Th.  Which  he  has  given  you  as  a  pledge? 
Si.  You're  dreaming. 

Th.  Nay,  you,  who  hope  that  by  dissimulation 

You  can  undo  it  all. 
Si.  Undo  what,  pray  ? 

Th.  Whatever  you  've  transacted  in  my  absence. 
Si.  You  say  that  I  had  dealings  with  your  son 

When  you  were  absent?    What  dealings,  pray,  and  when? 
Th.  I  owe  you  eighty  minae. 
Si.  No,  not  me ; 

But  if  you  owe  them,  pay  them  back  at  once ; 

Come,  keep  your  pledge ;  attempt  not  to  deny  it. 
Th.  I'll  surely  keep  my  pledge  and  pay  you  all. 

But  don't  deny  that  he  has  paid  you  forty. 
Si.  Prithee,  my  friend,  look  here,  and  answer  me. 
Th.  Nay,  answer  me.    Have  you  not  sold  your  house 

To  Philolaches  ? 
Si.  I've  sold  my  house  to  no  one. 

Th.  What  reason  then  gave  Tranio  to  you 

Wlien  he  desired  to  inspect  the  house  ? 
Si,  He  said 

That  you  would  give  Philolaches  a  wife. 

Wherefore  you  wished  to  amplify  your  house. 
Th.  He  said  this  ? 
Si.  Yes. 

Th.  I'm  speechless,  worthy  neighbor; 

Ah  me,  beyond  recovery  I'm  lost. 
Si.  Has  Tranio,  your  slave,  done  anything? 
Th.  Nay,  Tranio  has  undone  everything ; 


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He  mocked  me  very  shamefully  to-day. 

Si,  What's  this  you  say  ? 

j^  I'm  telling  you  the  truth. 

He  tricked  and  mocked  me  most  abominably. 
And  now,  good  sir,  I  crave  your  kindly  aid. 

SL  What  would  you  ? 

j/j^  Come  with  me,  I  beg  of  you. 

81  I  will. 

Th.  Lend  me  your  servants  and  your  lash. 

Si.  Take  them. 

Th.  And  meanwhile  I  'H  relate  to  you 

The  knavish  trumpery  of  Tranio. 

[End  of  Act  IV.] 


ACT  V 

Tranio  A  man's  good  for  naught  if  he  fears  in  a  crisis, 
But  **fear"  is  a  word  that  I  know  not  at  all; 
For  I  was  obliged  to  use  clever  devices 

When  master  despatched  me  his  son  here  to  call. 
I  went  in  through  the  lane  at  this  moment  so  critical, 

I  secretly  opened  the  door  at  the  back; 
I  gathered  together  the  council  political, 

And  marched  them  all  off  from  their  siege  in  a  pack. 
Yet  after  I  led  male  and  female  victorious 

Their  counsellor  off  from  their  council  they  sent; 
And  therefore  I'll  do  what  is  very  notorious 
In  every  such  doubtful,  uncertain  event. 
I'll  so  this  entangle, 

And  mangle. 
And  mix  it  and  maul  it, 
You'll  call  it 
So  incontrovertibly,  incomprehensibly  twisted, 
'Twill  dangle 

In  an  inextricable  tangle 

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The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 


And  come  to 

No  settlement. 
Since  this  can  now  no  longer  be  concealed, 
Without  delay  I  will  accost  my  master. 
But  who  is  leaving  Simo's  house?      'Tis  he. 

Enter  Theopropides. 

Th.  [Speaking  into  the  house]  Stand  there  within  the  door,  and 
when  I  call, 
Jump  quickly  forth  and  handcuff  Tranio. 
I  will  await  him  who  has  tricked  and  skinned  me. 
And  with  the  whip  his  knavish  skin  I'll  trick. 

Tr.  [Aside]  All  is  discovered.    You  had  better  see 

What  you  had  better  do,  O  Tranio. 
Th.   [Aside]  With  cunning  bait  I'll  try  to  angle  him 

When  he  arrives;  I  will  not  show  the  hook 

At  once,  but  bit  by  bit  I  '11  send  the  line. 
Tr.   [Aside]  I  will  pretend  that  I  know  nothing  yet. 

Oh,  he's  the  slyest  man  in  Attica, 

For  stones  as  easily  are  fooled  as  he. 

I  will  approach  him. 
Th.  I  would  that  he  were  here. 

Tr.  If  you  desire  to  see  your  slave  at  present. 

Your  slave  is  present  in  your  presence,  sir. 

Th.  Good!    Well? 

Tr.  They're  coming  from  the  country. 

Philolaches  will  soon  be  here. 

Th.  He  comes 

Betimes;  I  think  our  neighbor  is  a  knave. 
For  he  denies  that  he  had  dealings  with  you. 

Tr.  He  does? 

Th.         And  that  you  paid  him  e'en  a  sou. 

Tr.  Come,  now,  you're  joking;  for  he  can't  deny  it. 

Th.  How  now? 

Tr.  I  know  'tis  spoke  in  jest,  my  master. 

For  surely  he  does  not  deny  it. 
Th.  He  does; 

And  says  that  he  has  never  sold  the  house. 

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Tr.  Did  he  deny  that  we  have  paid  him  money? 
Th,  Nay,  more,  he  promises  to  give  an  oath 

That  he  took  naught  from  you  nor  sold  the  house. 

Moreover,  he  agrees  to  give  his  slaves 

For  cross-examination. 
Tr,  Nonsense,  sir. 

Hell  never  do't. 
Tli^  He  will ;  wait  but  a  moment, 

And  I  will  put  it  to  the  test. 
Tr.  All  right; 

Give  me  the  man. 
Th,  I'll  fetch  him,  if  you  will. 

Tr.  Either  examine  them  at  once,  or  else 

Demand  of  him  to  give  the  house  to  us. 
Th.  Nay,  first  I'd  rather  question  all  his  servants. 
Tr.  'Tis  well  to  do  so.     To  the  altar  I. 
Th.  Why  so? 
Tr.  You  do  not  understand  at  all  — 

'Tis  to  prevent  the  slaves  from  fleeing  thither. 

Upon  the  altar  I'll  preside  for  you 

That  the  investigation  may  not  fail. 
Th.  Arise. 
Tr.  I  won't. 

Th.  Don't  sit  upon  the  altar. 

Tr.  Wherefore? 

Th.  Because  I  most  desire  the  slaves 

To  flee  to  it  for  refuge ;  for,  knowing  then 

That  they  speak  false,  their  master  I  '11  condemn. 
Tr.  Stick  to  your  purpose.    I  will  stick  to  this. 

Why  sow  the  seeds  of  trouble  further,  master  ? 

You  know  how  ticklish  'tis  to  go  to  court. 
Th.  Arise,  for  I  desire  to  ask  you  something. 
Tr.  I'll  answer  hence;  I'm  wiser  sitting  down. 

Best  counsel  is  dispensed  from  seats  divine. 
Th.  Arise  and  stop  this  trifling;  look  at  me. 

Tr.  I  do. 

Th.       What  see  you? 

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Tr.  That  if  any  third 

Should  come  to  us,  he'd  surely  die  of  hunger. 
Th.  Why  so? 
Tr.         He  would  not  have  a  thing  to  live  on. 

For  we  are  both  most  wily. 
Th.  I'm  undone. 

Tr.  What  is  the  matter  ? 
Th.  You  have  cheated  me 

And  led  me  by  the  nose. 
Tr.  How  can  this  be? 

Have  you  a  running  nose? 
Th.  Nay,  running  brains, 

You've  made  my  senses  run  away  from  me. 

But  now  I  know  your  tricks  and  trumpery 

Right    through    and    through    with    a   thoroughness   most 
thorough. 

Hence  with  a  heap  of  fagots  I'll  surround  you. 
Tr.  Don't  roast  me,  pray,  for  I  am  sweeter  boiled. 
Th.  I'll  make  you  an  example. 
Tr.  Will  you  do't 

Because  I  please  you? 
Th.  Say,  what  sort  of  son 

Left  I  with  you  when  I  departed  hence? 
Tr.  A  man  with  feet,  hands,  fingers,  ears,  and  eyes. 
Th.  I  ask  you  something  else. 
Tr.  Hence  something  else 

I  answer.    See,  your  son's  companion  comes; 

Young  Callidamates.     In  his  presence,  pray, 

Do  whatsoe'er  you  will  with  me  to-day. 

Enter  Callidamates. 
Cat.  When  I  had  murdered  all  my  drowsiness 

And  buried  it  in  sleep,  Philolaches 

Informed  me  that  his  father  had  arrived. 

And  how  his  slave  made  sport  of  his  old  master; 

And  told  me  that  he  dared  not  meet  his  sire. 

I  am  to  be  his  sole  solicitor 

To  plead  his  cause  and  his  pardon  to  procure. 

Good,  here  he  is.    All  hail,  Theopropides ! 

105 


The    Stratford  Journal 


Th. 

Cat, 

Tr. 

Th. 
Tr. 
Th. 

Cal. 
Tr. 
Cal. 
Tr. 


Th. 
Tr. 


It  does  rejoice  me  much  to  see  you  safe 
Have  dinner  at  my  house  to-day,  P^^^' 
God  bless  you;  for  your  invitation,  thanks. 

Will  you  not  come  ? 

Accept  the  invitation ; 
If  you  don't  care  to  go,  I'll  take  your  place. 

Dare  you  to  mock  me  still  ?  t         ^  u 

^"^     ^  Why,  no,  I  mean  it. 

You  shall  not  go;  TH  have  you  naUed  to  the  cross, 

As  youVe  deserved. 

Enough ;  to  dinner  then  — 
Please  say  that  you  will  come.    Why  speak  you  not? 

Why  take  you  refuge  here  upon  the  altar? 
My  master,  coming  hither,  put  his  slave 

Upon  the  wrack.    Bring  forth  your  charge  against  me, 

And  he  will  judge  my  guilt  or  innocence. 

Mv  son  youVe  ruined. 

I  confess  it,  sir ; 

He  sinned,  he  freed  his  mistress  in  your  absence, 

He  borrowed  money  from  the  usurer 

At  an  enormous  rate  of  interest, 

And  spent  it  at  an  interesting  rate  ;  --- 

All  this  do  I  confess;  and  yet  he  did 

But  what  all  wealthy  youths  are  wont  to  do. 

Your  clever  pleading  warns  me  to  beware. 

I'll  judge;  arise,  and  let  me  take  this  seat. 

'Tis  well  for  you  to  arbitrate  between  us. 
ThlT«  Jnare.    Free  me  f^/^'^^P-JJ^^' 

That  vou  may  take  upon  yourself  —  this  tear 

'T^  naught  compared  with  how  the  slave  has  tncked  me. 
It  was  well  done,  and  I  rejoice  thereat 

Gray  hairs  should  ever  crown  a  prudent  head. 

What  shall  I  do  now ! 

If  you  are  a  fnend 

To  Barrie  or  to  G.  B.  Shaw,  tell  them 
How  knavishly  your  slave  bamboozled  you; 
'Twill  make  a  splendid  plot  for  comedy. 
Cd.  Come,  hold  your  peace,  and  I  will  speak. 

1 06 


Th. 
Cal. 
Th. 
Tr. 

Th. 
Tr. 

Th. 
Tr. 


The  Mostellaria  of  Plautus 


Th.  Tis  well. 

Cal.  Your  son  and  I,  you  know,  are  closest  friends, 

He  bade  me  plead  his  cause,  since  his  disgrace 

Restrains  him  from  approaching  you  in  person; 

For  he  does  know  that  you  know  what  he  did. 

And  now  I  beg  you,  bear  with  this  his  folly; 

He  is  your  son,  and  you  are  well  aware 

That  youths  are  pleased  to  play  this  pleasant  game ; 

We  all  have  erred  together,  ours  the  fault. 

The  interest  and  principal  and  all 

Wherewith  we  bought  the  mistress  of  your  son 

Ourselves  will  pay  at  our,  not  your,  expense. 
Th.  You  are  a  most  persuasive  orator. 

I  bear  no  grudge,  nor  censure  him  in  aught. 

Nay,  in  my  presence  dine  and  wine  and  wench ; 

For  his  own  shame  is  punishment  enough. 
Cal.  Most  shameful  is  his  shame. 
Tr.  Now,  since  you  pardon 

Philolaches,  what  will  become  of  me  ? 
Th.  I'll  hang  you  up;  and  when  you're  in  suspense 

I'll  whip  you. 
Tr.  But  I  repent. 

Th.  Nay,  as  I  live 

I'll  kill  you. 
Cal.  Prithee,  pardon  all  of  us; 

For  my  sake,  be  indulgent  to  your  slave. 
Th.  All  else  that  you  desire  of  me  I'll  do 

Sooner  than  leave  this  reprobate  unreproved. 
Cal.  A  truce  to  this. 

Th.  Behold  him  how  he  sits. 

Cal.  Be  prudent  and  sit  still. 
Th.  Your  pleading  cease ; 

I'll  whip  the  slave  into  tranquillity. 
Tr.  No  blows  will  calm  me,  sir. 
CaL  Forgive  him,  pray. 

Th.  Do  not  demand  it. 
Cal.  I  beseech  you,  sir. 

Th.  I  tell  you,  do  not  ask  me. 


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The  Stratford  Journal 


Cal  ^  ^^^  ^^  ^^^' 

*  Make  this  our  common  failing  one,  good  sir. 

Tr   Wherefore  this  trouble?  for  upon  the  morrow 

I  will  commit  another  fault,  and  then 

Youll  punish  me  for  this  as  well  as  that. 

Cal  Pray,  be  indulgent. 

y^  Leave  the  altar,  then ; 

'  Thank  him,  not  me,  for  your  deliverance. 

Dear  spectators,  young  and  old, 
This  our  comic  tale  is  told. 
Your  approval  now  to  show 
First  applaud,  then  you  may  go. 

[The  end.] 


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